so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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