I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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