I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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