dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
