Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
