She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
