I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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