I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
