the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
