The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
