I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
