i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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