just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
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