my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
