I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
