I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
