dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
