I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
