OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
