I think scott just propositioned me for sex
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
