roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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