Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
3 2 1 whiskey
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
