he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
