Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
