Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
