so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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