4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
