who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
