dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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