Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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