I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
