I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
