I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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