I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
