The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
