do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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