I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
