3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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