What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We're too hungover to prance.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
