tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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