I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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