so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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