you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
