Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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