If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
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