the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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