i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
