So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
