I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
