My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
