i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
