She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Randomize
