At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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