it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
