hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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