So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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